Finding Myself
by Blackrose Kitsune
Summary: Kurama visits Hiei with the news that he's leaving to find himself. He doesn't know how long he'll be gone, or if he's coming back. Even though Hiei is stubborn, will he tell Kurama what he wants to hear before it's too late? /Hiei-Kurama friendship-ish/.


**A/N**: There are mild traces of shonen ai, but nothing at all truly graphic. If it doesn't offend you, please go on and read, but if it does offend you, leave now, because you've been warned and if I get flamed for that reason it won't be pretty. Well, ne ways, enjoy, minna-san! And I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Finding Myself

He walks down the streets in silence, crickets chirping in the evening breeze, winds rustling through the few scraggly, shrub-ish trees that line the main street. Yet, he is deaf to the surrounding noise. His own thoughts lying heavy in his mind block out the sounds, wrapping him in silence.

The sickle moon is almost gone, as the Lunar Month comes close to it's end, and the navy sky is dark, the street lights flooding out the silver splinters that should be the stars. While the night is peaceful, it is dark.

Just as his heart is now.

Heavy, and dark.

As he exits the main street to a small secluded area of forest looming outside the city limits he sighs. The familiar ki he had been tracking is growing more distinct. Meaning that his companion either knew he was coming and welcomed the visit, or hadn't caught wind of his tracker's own ki. It made to difference to him either way. He really wasn't sure if he should even talk to Hiei.

Entering the thicket, he pauses, trying to determine from which tree his friend's ki is eminating from.

"Kurama..."

He jolts up slightly, at the sound of his name being called and his gaze flys in the direction of the voice. Soon enough, his eyes fall upon the small black speck that is Hiei, sitting lounged against a sturdy Oak branch in the upper canopy of a nearby tree.

"Hello, Hiei." He calls up, in pensive greeting.

"What do you need, Fox?" is his reply as he jumps from the tree and lands with a muffled thump in the grass before his friend.

He shakes his head slowly, "nothing of real consequence. I just came to find you, and tell you, that I will be leaving tomorrow morning."

Hiei looks at him intently, "leaving?" is his gruff response.

"That's right. Leaving." he answers nodding.

"To where?"

"I've yet to decide. Wherever my feet carry me, I suppose."

"How long?"

"I probably won't be coming back, Hiei."

He snorts in disbelief, shaking his head, "not coming back? Don't tell me you're running away."

He chuckled shaking his head, and leaned back against an Oak, allowing himself to fall casually to the ground. Hiei was watching him, his countenance dancing on the brink of annoyance at the Fox's less than helpful reply.

"Perhaps I'm running away. I don't know. More than anything, I need to find myself. Maybe that's why I'm leaving."

"Don't be foolish, why would you need to find yourself?" Hiei asked dropping to the ground beside him.

"I'm one person, Hiei. One living soul. Yet... I am still three in body. I don't know who I am, I suppose."

"You're Kurama."

He shook his head, "to you, yes, I am Kurama. But don't forget, to others I am not. To Shiori I am Shuichi, and to the beings of my past, I am Youko."

"What's your point?"

"Hiei, I can't be all three. All three of me are real, all three of me are sustained solely on the lies that the other two identities hide behind. Lies upon lies."

"Lies are a part of life. It's a natural occurance."

"Perhaps. But I'd like to find the real me. The me where I am not forced to hide behind an impenetrable wall of lies, the me where I am free to be who I see fit."

"Aren't you now?"

"Lies, Hiei. This life is no more than a sham. All three of them are no more than various guises with which I disguise myself. Circumstance dictates my guise, Hiei, and I don't want that to be the cause any longer. I want to dictate my own life, and my own self, living, instead of calculating my motives based on those lies."

Hiei shook his head, "I don't understand."

"What's not to understand?"

"You're leaving to find yourself. But, why stay gone after having accomplished that?"

"Lies are a reoccuring thing. Coming back would bring those to the surface again. I want to avoid the lies, avoid the guises. That is why I probably won't be returning."

"You're running away."

"Call it what you will" he sighed tiredly, "but, I just thought I should come and say goodbye."

"Why?"

"Because, Hiei" he began,"... because you are my friend."

Hiei motioned towards his Jagan, a slight smirk forming on his features, "and yet, you haven't told this to any of your other _'friends' _have you?"

He gave a small chuckle, "no, I've no intention to. They wouldn't take the news well. I knew you'd either care less, or would pay no mind. You were the safest bet."

Hiei nodded.

"Besides..." his voice trailed off, causing Hiei to give him a sceptical look.

"Besides what?"

"You... you should be the one to understand my dilema... you're in the same situation yourself...I guess that's why I came to you... and because, after all we've been through, I suppose I thought that warrented a proper farewell..."

"Your human sentimentality is going to make me wretch, Kurama."

He gave a tired smile. "Yes, well it's the truth. You, as my friend should understand that better than anyone. I just came to say my farewells and to say that I will miss you... you cocky little bastard..."

"What was that?" Hiei asked sitting up at the last comment. "What did you call me?"

"Oh, nothing" he feigned innocence, "just that I'll miss you."

Hiei snorted, "right. Well, I... I'll miss you as well."

Kurama's eyebrows shot up in shock, his face adopting a quizical expression. "Pardon?"

Hiei growled at the Fox's double play, was ge going to make him say it again? He sighed, "I said I'd miss you too, Fox, happy now?"

Kurama smiled, "yes, knowing that I will be missed in my abscence may bring me back after all." He closed his eyes, "maybe people really will miss me, I don't know. Yours are not but words, I've no way to know if they are real. But, it gives me hope, nontheless."

"Your humanity has made you cynical, Fox." Hiei shoook his head, "why do you think they wouldn't miss you? Kuwabara and Yuusuke would be lost without you. Shiori would be devastated. I'd... well..."

Kurama opened one eye slightly, looking towards Hiei who was having trouble putting into words what he was trying to say.

"I'd..." he sighed, "I'd miss you. Not just as a fighting partner, but as a friend..."

Kurama smiled gently, "yes, I know, I know, I just wanted to here you say it..." he closed his half-lidded eye once more.

Hiei made a grunt-like noise and turned away in embarrassment. How could the Fox have made him say it? How?

After a moment he turned back to the Fox, only to see that the night had already enveloped him.

Hiei watched him awed. He'd never seen Kurama look so at ease, so content and peaceful.His chest was rising and falling steadily, in a gentle fashion, his eyes closed, his countenance calm. He looked so relaxed, and Hiei had never seen him like this, with his guard down. His red locks cascaded over his shoulders loosely, his bangs falling into his face, veiling his eyes. His slightly curled in body was completely at peace with everything.

He couldn't help but smile. Though it would be the last time he'd ever see the Fox like this, he was happy at having gotten the chance to see him in a vulnerable state. That just proved that Kurama really did trust him, if he was willing to let himself fall into such a vulnerable state, with not but Hiei there to protect him, should anything happen. He knew it was a risky thing to do, and he knew that unless he had gained some respect from the Fox, it wouldn't be like this. He was glad that he was.

But angry at himself for never being able to show how much faith he himself had in the Fox. He did truly trust the Fox, even though he always denied it, he knew he did. But, now he was leaving, and now he wouldn't get the chance to show him. Perhaps there was another way, not really a show of trust, but a show of content-ness around him, nonetheless.

It was after all growing steadily darker, and he was tired. Besides, his last few hours to prove himself were drawing to a close.

---

Kurama opened his eyes slowly, allowing the dimming rays of the still rising sun to greet his tired eyes only slightly. As he attempted to stretch his worn limbs he noticed a small weight on his left side. Turning his head slowly, he saw the calm features of the sleeping Hiei, who was sleeping soundly, his head resting on Kurama's shoulder.

For a moment, he just sat there, marveling at how calm, and gentle his otherwise cold features had become. Then, as though finally having realized the gravity of the position he had unknowingly to himself been placed in, he shook Hiei's shoulder gently in an attempt to wake him.

The fire apparition only grumbled quietly and pushed himself closer the his companion, nuzzling his neck subcounsciously. Kurama, now being able to feel Hiei's warm gentle breathing on his neck went slightly rigid. The neck, and throat area, was what sustained life, and precious blood carrying arteries. No one should get this close to such delicate territory, and yet, here was Hiei, doing just that. The warmth of his gentle breathing soon calmed his peaked nerve ends. This was after all Hiei, he had nothing to fear. Though, still, they shouldn't be in such a predicament as this.

He prodded Hiei on the shoulder again, and this time he stirred lightly. Opening his crimson eyes to the world.

"Hiei...?" Kurama asked.

"Hn." he mumbled tiredly sitting upright and rubbing his tired eyes, "What is it Fox?"

"Why were you... eh, nevermind, I don't think I want to know..." his thoughts trailed off as he stood up.

He blinked, confused, before realizing what the Fox had meant. "Oh, that. Well... just to show that I... eh... trusted you... so to speak... you know... as my friend..."

Kurama nodded, turning from him and walking slowly off, "I see. Thank you Hiei. For saying it."

In a flash of black, Hiei stood before his companion, stopping him from moving again.

"I hope you find what you're seeking, Fox."

He shook his head, "the Fox, won't, Kurama will. That is my name today, Hiei, I beg you, use it."

He nodded, "yes, Kurama, I will. I hope you find what you're seeking then."

"As do I."

"And... I hope it brings you back."

He closed his eyes and nodded slowly. "Perhaps it will. Perhaps..."

And with that, he sidestepped Hiei and began to disappear into the brush that was the foresrt. His silhouete slipping off into the rising sun, and the red-pink skyline.

Hiei stood there, watching his companion disappearing. "I hope you find what you seek, my friend." he mumbled watching as the figure vanished slowly from his vision.

For although Kurama had said he might be coming back, Hiei knew he wouldn't. He knew he had only said it. But, he wasn't coming back.

And as his shadow disappeared into the forest, he knew it would be the last time that they would ever meet.

---

**Author's Rambling:**

I really don't know where this came from. I was just listening to Leanne Rimes song, "Please Remember" the other day and this popped into my head. I hope it turned out alright. Please leave your name at the door with a review and your thoughts on this piece.

Blackrose


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